


Denial

by joeh



Category: GOT7, K-pop
Genre: Angst, M/M, Markgyeom, Romance, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-15
Updated: 2014-07-15
Packaged: 2018-02-09 00:26:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1961985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joeh/pseuds/joeh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yugyeom was in denial. His hands were clammy, heartbeat erratic and mouth completely dry and he was in deep denial. However, denial was like the tiniest of parasites; it worms its way into your mind, into your whole being until you start believing the lie and can’t even recognise what was once true.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Denial

Yugyeom was in denial. His hands were clammy, heartbeat erratic and mouth completely dry and he was in deep denial. However, denial was like the tiniest of parasites; it worms its way into your mind, into your whole being until you start believing the lie and can’t even recognise what was once true.

 

That was exactly what happened to Yugyeom.

 

He was only sixteen, so of course he couldn’t know any better than to panic when those feelings arose in him. The desire to kiss and hold someone close, it was rather normal for that age, Yugyeom knew that. But he was also aware that those desires were supposed to rise when he looked at the petit figure of a pretty girl, not the pale collarbone of his oldest hyung.

 

Before he could understand what was happening those pink pouty lips and the pretty fingers were visiting him in his sleep. Those intense eyes would look only at him and the pale hands would ghost over his skin with the barest of touches, as light as a feather. If Bambam was ever woken up in the middle of the night because Yugyeom was changing the sheets of his bed he never said anything.

 

It starts with those dreams and morphs into something that feels dirty and forbidden in the worst sense; it makes Yugyeom feel like a stranger in his own skin that suddenly feels like it’s pulled too tight over his bones. He feels on edge and as if there was a constant itch, just somewhere inside his mind and try as he might, he just could not scratch it.

 

No one notices at first; how the youngest suddenly freezes around the oldest member, how his eyes scream of anxiety and nervousness whenever he looks at the older boy and how his smile seems to fade slowly from his face, now replaced with something akin to self loathing. Yugyeom is only sixteen and he’s confused and locks himself in the bathroom to cry at some nights.

 

It’s self-destruction, but he wouldn’t talk to anyone about his thoughts. He would analyse them though, break them into pieces and take them apart like the well-constructed Lego houses he used to make as a kid. Yet when he puts the pieces back together they would suddenly look wrong and not at all how they looked like before he took them apart. The innocent feelings of first love tainted by out-dated beliefs, humiliation and confusion, what became of it were feelings of loathing and hate.

 

The boy would watch his oldest hyung dance and laugh and joke and his thoughts were filled with how it was not fair. It wasn’t fair that Yugyeom was suffering like this while the other was smiling, wasn’t fair how he could live in ignorant bliss while the younger boy could barely get any sleep.

 

He started wishing for the other to trip or hurt himself while doing one of his tricks. Just once, he’d think, just once and then I’ll be happy again. The yearning to see purple and blue flowers blossom over that soft skin was overtaking his every thought. He would stand behind the red head and look down on him. How he seemed weak and small compared to Yugyeom’s younger but taller body, how easily he could just press down on those slim shoulders and wrists and leave finger shaped marks all over them.

 

When the accident Yugyeom was anticipating never came he decided to take matters into his own hands. Every time he would have to stand next to the older boy in an interview or during photo-shoots he would either put an arm over his shoulder or grasp his wrist and hide it between them so the cameras wouldn’t see him squeeze till the skin underneath his palm turned an angry red. To his utter surprise his oldest hyung would take the abuse without making as much as a peep of discomfort. His expression wouldn’t change and he didn’t even give him as much as a questioning glance, which made Yugyeom even more furious because how dare he treat him like a kid and look down on him like that? Wasn’t he aware that when Yugyeom was hurting him he was supposed to see that something was wrong and talk to the youngest? Apparently the red head did not know that, for he never said anything, just continued to show the camera that pure smile.

 

Yugyeom hated him all over again. He had a smile like that too once, it came naturally to him to look so innocent and now he had to fake it, had to play pretend and to blame were those imploring eyes and those luscious lips.

 

The first time the others noticed that something was wrong was when the oldest dared to lay a warm and gentle palm against Yugyeom’s head in a loving manner. The youngest slapped the hand away angrily, he stood up so he was towering above his surprised hyung and pushed the other with all his might. Jackson reached him first and if Yugyeom hadn’t been so angry himself he would have noticed that the Hong Kong native had never seemed so furious. If his eyes weren’t locked on the sad eyes of the red head on the floor he would have noticed Jinyoung having to hold Jackson back from hitting him. As it was he noticed none of that, he didn’t hear their shocked and angry voices, didn’t hear being ordered to apologize. What he did hear though, loud and clear, even if it was uttered so very softly that everyone else had missed it, was Mark’s questioning ‘why’.

 

Something in him snapped and he didn’t care about anything else but the want to cause more pain, more damage. He launched forward, fist raised and ready to punch the face which haunted his dreams, when suddenly there were arms around him, holding him back and keeping him still.

 

Yugyeom vaguely remembered that night. He could recall Jackson threatening him with violence should that ever happen again, remembered Jaebum scolding him for his behaviour, remembered Jinyoung and Bambam questioning him and trying to make sense of his actions. What would stay carved into his inner eye was the look of pain and sadness on the red head’s face, because from that day onward, it was that face that had taken over his dreams.

 

If he was on edge and moody before, he certainly became worse after that incident. Jackson tried his hardest to keep his best friend as far away from the younger as possible, which only made Yugyeom angrier. The Hong Kong native dared to stand between them, he dared being kind to that horrible creature that scarred him so deeply and turned him into something unrecognisable. He didn’t understand why no one else seemed angry or disappointed at the oldest boy and why no one was supporting him in his doing.

 

Every night he would sit on the rooftop of the building and think about where everything went wrong. He was sure that what he felt for the oldest was resentment, he was sure it was never anything else, but he could not explain where those feelings came from exactly. After all, the older boy hurt him because he didn’t recognise his feelings of hatred and decided to stay clueless even to this day.

 

He remembered having those deep eyes look at him with kindness, remembered those pink lips smile at him and those gentle hands touch him in a manner that caused him to shiver despite the warmth he felt in his chest. Yugyeom felt a stabbing pain right there in his chest where that warm feeling once was and asked himself if it was really always just hatred.

 

One night the door to the rooftop opened and closed and scrunching footstep could be heard behind him. When he turned to look who it was he saw the face he least expected to see.

“What are you doing here?” his voice sounded off and unrecognisable to his own ears.

“Why do you hate me so much Yugyeom-ah?” His name was spoken in a mellow, accented voice, full of affection and pain. ‘I don’t hate you’ echoed somewhere in his sub consciousness but that echo never reached his thoughts.

“Do I need a reason to hate you? Couldn’t it be just the mere thought that you exist?” he marvelled at the fact that his harsh words made the other flinch as if slapped. The red head averted his gaze for a moment before looking up again. This time the look in his eyes seemed probing and not as soft as before.

“You didn’t hate me while we were still trainees or when we were put into the same team.” The older boy said in a secure voice, he took a step closer and raised his hand as if to reach out, but it was once again slapped away.

“Don’t touch me.” Yugyeom spit his words like venom, but it did nothing to deter the other’s determination, who stepped closer still until they were mere inches apart. He had to raise his head in order to look into the younger boy’s eyes and for a moment it seemed as if he would say something. To Yugyeom’s surprise his shoulders dropped and his head lowered, his forehead almost touching the younger’s chest.

“Yugyeom-ah let’s clear this up once and for all.” His voice sounded defeated but warm and Yugyeom shivered despite the heat of the summer night. “You can hit me as much as you want I won’t blame you, as long as we can leave this thing behind us and you forgive me for whatever I did. I can see it eat away at you and I want that to stop.” Yugyeom was staring down unto the other’s pale neck and the anger rose inside of him when he took in the older boy’s words. He still didn’t understand Yugyeom, didn’t want to understand him, thinking the situation could be cleared without words.

 

With the intend to hurt he forcefully grabbed the other’s shoulders, but as soon as he felt the shaking body under his palm the anger left him. The red head’s body was shaking and Yugyeom could hear panicked breaths leave his mouth. His grip slackened and turned into the hesitant touch of a sixteen year old boy instead.

 

Noticing the change the older boy looked up and the sight made Yugyeom’s heart swell. The older boy seemed so tiny in his grasp, so easy to break and hurt and he realised he had almost done exactly that. His vision swam and his eyes were stinging, but he only realised he was crying when the older reached up to wipe his tears away.

“I’m so sorry hyung.” Suddenly it was as if a dam broke and the taller boy hugged his oldest hyung close and started crying on his shoulder like a baby. Warm and gentle hands were patting his head and nimble fingers run through his hair with tender affection. “I’m so sorry I treated you like that. I can’t even explain how sorry I am.” Yugyeom managed to say between broken sobs.

 

Finally he recognised the denial in his mind and finally he put a name to the conflicted feelings inside his heart. As he let out a breath of relief, feeling free, the name that was bound to that feeling he refused to recognise slipped from his lips.

“Mark-hyung, I’m really sorry.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is a Prompt I filled for the [GOT7 Prompt Blog](http://7fics.tumblr.com/) where I'm one of the writers.  
> My K-Pop [tumblr](http://ilikeshiuminalot.tumblr.com/)


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